Soviet Scientist Snark

21 December 2010: 85th Day of Work

Tue, 21 Dec 2010 15:13:13 -0500

SSSnarky: Good morning.
Me: Hello there.
SSSnarky: (Glancing at my computer screen) What you looking at?
Me: Well, it's a bunny ...
SSSnarky: What is bunny doing?
Me: It's a bunny asleep.
SSSnarky: Is bunny asleep or is bunny dead?
Me: The bunny is asleep! Why would anyone put up a youtube video of a dead bunny?
SSSnarky: No accounting for taste with some people.
Me: I get the feeling you know some creepy people.
SSSnarky: (Smiling wickedly) It's like I always say, trust feelings.

"Now that you’ve gotten rid of masculine anxieties, don’t replace them with feminine..."

Thu, 09 Dec 2010 00:00:00 -0500

““Now that you’ve gotten rid of masculine anxieties, don’t replace them with feminine anxieties.””

- SSSnarky, after if I’d finished my public health paper analysing the role of masculinity and gay culture in contributing to HIV among young gay men.

3rd December 2010: 73rd Day of Work

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 11:21:00 -0500

SSSnarky: (Stealing up on me from behind) The winter has arrived.
Me: Okay ... and the birds are singing in the bare trees. Wait! What kind of KGB operation did I just agree to take part in?
SSSnarky: If I told you, I'd have to find somewhere to bury body, and I'm busy with grants right now.

29 October 2010: 48th Day of Work

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 11:40:00 -0400

Me: I think we need to agree on some words so that I know when you are joking and when you are not joking. I never know if you're just teasing me, or you actually want me to get off my ass and find something to do when we don't have much going on.
SSSnarky: You don't understand humor?
Me: No, no, I understand humor in general, it's just yours is difficult for me.
SSSnarky: Okay, we can have safe word then.
Me: (Sputtering) Wait, what!?!
SSSnarky: You know, word that says this what I really mean.
Me: Umm, no, that's not what "safe word" means. I think you mean "code word."
SSSnarky: No, I think safe word is right.
Me: No, it's definitely NOT right. Where did you hear that word used?
SSSnarky: American television show I watched other night.
Me: Was it on HBO? No, don't answer that. Never mind. Is this also where you got the "whipping" thing from?
SSSnarky: Yes. It is very good show. I'm learning American idioms from it. What's wrong with "whipping" and "safe word."
Me: So, we're going to go into your office, shut the door, and I'll explain why they're not good. Ok?
SSSnarky: Ok.

[15 min. Time Lapse]

SSSnarky: (Blushing fiercely) Oh, I did not understand! I am sorry. So, we need code word.
Me: Yes, code word. Exactly. Why don't we just use traffic signals. "Red" means I'm just joking and "green" means get off your ass and do something, dammit.
SSSnarky: (Still quite embarrassed) Good. Yes, good.

"Those samples were from human not mouse. That is why 28S ribosomal peak has shift on..."

Wed, 27 Oct 2010 11:52:57 -0400

““Those samples were from human not mouse. That is why 28S ribosomal peak has shift on electropherogram. Human 28S ribosomal RNA is heavier than mouse. That’s because human is heavier than mouse.””

- SSSnarky, 27 October 2010 - 46th Day of Work

21 October 2010 - 42nd Day of Work

Wed, 27 Oct 2010 11:47:51 -0400

Me: (After major experiment cock-up) I didn't really sleep last night. I apologize for the errors in the protocol. I'll start the procedure again today so we only lose half a day.
SSSnarky: Hmm. Yes, better be sorry. Do it again, without errors. If you keep making errors I may have to whip you...repeatedly...for each one.
Me: Umm...I'm going to go get started now.

"I like October. I like Halloween. We did not have Halloween in Russia. Halloween is good excuse to..."

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 18:58:08 -0400

“I like October. I like Halloween. We did not have Halloween in Russia. Halloween is good excuse to scare children. Me personally, I like scare children.”

- SSSnarky on 1 October 2010

10th September: 13th Day of Work

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 18:44:25 -0400

Me: Do you like beer?
SSSnarky: Like beer, huh. Yes. Why?
Me: Octoberfest is this weekend. It should be fun if you like beer.
SSSnarky: Octoberfest in September.
Me: Yes, I know, not very exact. But the Germans have it in September too.
SSSnarky: Yes, Germans very accurate people. They killed people and counted. Stalin did not keep count.

10 September 2010: 13th Day of Work

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 08:51:33 -0400

SSSnarky: I am genius! Amazing *Aleksey. I invent two-step magnetic bead cDNA purification.
Me: I'm pretty sure that's been done before. It's an optional step in the protocol.
SSSnarky: Don't kill dreams.
*Names have been altered to protect anonymity.

10th September 2010: 13th Day of Work

Sat, 11 Sep 2010 17:22:06 -0400

Me: My old supervisor developed that technology at MIT with his Post-Doc advisor.
SSSnarky: Who was his advisor?
Me: [Insert MIT Professor] I think he has a Nobel Prize, but I don't know what for.
SSSnarky: I don't know either. No one ever does. I think they give out Nobel Prizes to scientists for looking pleased with themselves. That's why they mostly go to Harvard and MIT professors.
Me: Hmm.

"I’m a fatalist. I believe that if you are destined to die in bicycle accident, then you will..."

Wed, 08 Sep 2010 00:00:00 -0400

“I’m a fatalist. I believe that if you are destined to die in bicycle accident, then you will die in bicycle accident. If one day, you decide not to ride bike, then you will be hit by bike and die in bicycle accident anyway”

6th September 2010: Ninth Day of Work

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 00:00:00 -0400

SSSnarky: Any pictures of kittens today?
Me: Nope.
SSSnarky: Sad.
Me: It's ok.
SSSnarky: Why don't you have kittens? You like them very much.
Me: They are kind of a commitment. They can live to be 18!
SSSnarky: Yes. Parakeet can be same way. They live to be 16 years old upwards.
Me: Wow.
SSSnarky: That is if they die natural. They often die by accident.
Me: By accident?
SSSnarky: Yes. Owners shut them in door. Owners shut them in window.
Me: Ouch.
SSSnarky: They are also inquisitive. They gut stuck in things by accident and cannot breathe.
Me: Wait, they die of suffocation?
SSSnarky: Yes. They stuck in vase. They stuck in holes in walls. They stuck in closets. They stuck in toilet bowl.

I heard this song a couple of years ago via a friends...

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 10:00:00 -0400

I heard this song a couple of years ago via a friends “Power Mix” mix cd. I later found out that it was banned in Russia. Apparently that didn’t stop SSSnarky from having these guys on his Pandora playlist, along with Romanian Industrial Metal.

Best line ever: “Ra-Ra-Rasputin, lover of the Russian queen. That was a cat that really was gone.”

27th August 2010: Third Day of Work

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 10:00:00 -0400

SSSnarky: Give me 10 minutes. I have 20 important emails to answer.
Me: Yeah, me too. (Show's him email of cat on stove with cute boy dancing nearby in batman shirt and boxer briefs a la "Cute Boys With Cats")
SSSnarky: Looks dangerous.
Me: Boy dancing or cat on stove?
SSSnarky: Cat on stove. You like cats?
Me: Yes, very much.
SSSnarky: You have cats?
Me: No, unfortunately not. And you?
SSSnarky: I have parakeet. We worry about him and stove too.
Me: Why?
SSSnarky: He - what is word you use to mean "land softly?"
Me: Alight?
SSSnarky: Yes, alight. He alights on handle of pot while we are cooking. One day he will die.
Me: Why does he do that?
SSSnarky: Well, it's only been recently. We feed him from the table.
Me: You feed him while you're eating at the table?
SSSnarky: Yes, but only things good for parakeet to eat.
Me: What's that?
SSSnarky: You know, bits and pieces.
Me: What kind of bits and pieces?
SSSnarky: I don't know, bits and pieces.
Me: What do you mean you don't know? You make the food, don't you?
SSSnarky: Yes, but I still don't know. It's bits and pieces. That's why he alights on pot. He wants food now before it gets to table.
Me: Oh, sorry.

26th August 2010: Second Day of Work

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 10:00:00 -0400

SSSnarky: How are you today?
Me: I'm fine, thanks. How about you?
SSSnarky: Better. It's not raining anymore.
Me: Yeah, that's great.
SSSnarky: That's a nice skirt.
Me: Thanks!
SSSnarky: Where did you get it?
Me: (Incredulously) Do you really want to know?
SSSnarky: No, not really. I was just trying to make conversation.