Soviet Scientist Snark

Dec 21

21 December 2010: 85th Day of Work

• SSSnarky: Good morning.
• Me: Hello there.
• SSSnarky: (Glancing at my computer screen) What you looking at?
• Me: Well, it's a bunny ...
• SSSnarky: What is bunny doing?
• Me: It's a bunny asleep.
• SSSnarky: Is bunny asleep or is bunny dead?
• Me: The bunny is asleep! Why would anyone put up a youtube video of a dead bunny?
• SSSnarky: No accounting for taste with some people.
• Me: I get the feeling you know some creepy people.
• SSSnarky: (Smiling wickedly) It's like I always say, trust feelings.

Dec 09

“Now that you’ve gotten rid of masculine anxieties, don’t replace them with feminine anxieties.” — SSSnarky, after if I’d finished my public health paper analysing the role of masculinity and gay culture in contributing to HIV among young gay men.

Dec 07

3rd December 2010: 73rd Day of Work

• SSSnarky: (Stealing up on me from behind) The winter has arrived.
• Me: Okay ... and the birds are singing in the bare trees. Wait! What kind of KGB operation did I just agree to take part in?
• SSSnarky: If I told you, I'd have to find somewhere to bury body, and I'm busy with grants right now.

Oct 29

29 October 2010: 48th Day of Work

• Me: I think we need to agree on some words so that I know when you are joking and when you are not joking. I never know if you're just teasing me, or you actually want me to get off my ass and find something to do when we don't have much going on.
• SSSnarky: You don't understand humor?
• Me: No, no, I understand humor in general, it's just yours is difficult for me.
• SSSnarky: Okay, we can have safe word then.
• Me: (Sputtering) Wait, what!?!
• SSSnarky: You know, word that says this what I really mean.
• Me: Umm, no, that's not what "safe word" means. I think you mean "code word."
• SSSnarky: No, I think safe word is right.
• Me: No, it's definitely NOT right. Where did you hear that word used?
• SSSnarky: American television show I watched other night.
• Me: Was it on HBO? No, don't answer that. Never mind. Is this also where you got the "whipping" thing from?
• SSSnarky: Yes. It is very good show. I'm learning American idioms from it. What's wrong with "whipping" and "safe word."
• Me: So, we're going to go into your office, shut the door, and I'll explain why they're not good. Ok?
• SSSnarky: Ok.
• [15 min. Time Lapse]
• SSSnarky: (Blushing fiercely) Oh, I did not understand! I am sorry. So, we need code word.
• Me: Yes, code word. Exactly. Why don't we just use traffic signals. "Red" means I'm just joking and "green" means get off your ass and do something, dammit.
• SSSnarky: (Still quite embarrassed) Good. Yes, good.

Oct 27

“Those samples were from human not mouse. That is why 28S ribosomal peak has shift on electropherogram. Human 28S ribosomal RNA is heavier than mouse. That’s because human is heavier than mouse.” — SSSnarky, 27 October 2010 - 46th Day of Work

21 October 2010 - 42nd Day of Work

• Me: (After major experiment cock-up) I didn't really sleep last night. I apologize for the errors in the protocol. I'll start the procedure again today so we only lose half a day.
• SSSnarky: Hmm. Yes, better be sorry. Do it again, without errors. If you keep making errors I may have to whip you...repeatedly...for each one.
• Me: Umm...I'm going to go get started now.

Oct 06

“I like October. I like Halloween. We did not have Halloween in Russia. Halloween is good excuse to scare children. Me personally, I like scare children.” — SSSnarky on 1 October 2010

Sep 21

10th September: 13th Day of Work

• Me: Do you like beer?
• SSSnarky: Like beer, huh. Yes. Why?
• Me: Octoberfest is this weekend. It should be fun if you like beer.
• SSSnarky: Octoberfest in September.
• Me: Yes, I know, not very exact. But the Germans have it in September too.
• SSSnarky: Yes, Germans very accurate people. They killed people and counted. Stalin did not keep count.

Sep 20

10 September 2010: 13th Day of Work

• SSSnarky: I am genius! Amazing *Aleksey. I invent two-step magnetic bead cDNA purification.
• Me: I'm pretty sure that's been done before. It's an optional step in the protocol.
• SSSnarky: Don't kill dreams.
• *Names have been altered to protect anonymity.

Sep 11

10th September 2010: 13th Day of Work

• Me: My old supervisor developed that technology at MIT with his Post-Doc advisor.
• SSSnarky: Who was his advisor?
• Me: [Insert MIT Professor] I think he has a Nobel Prize, but I don't know what for.
• SSSnarky: I don't know either. No one ever does. I think they give out Nobel Prizes to scientists for looking pleased with themselves. That's why they mostly go to Harvard and MIT professors.
• Me: Hmm.